There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
