I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize