i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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