I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
