Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
