I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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