my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
