Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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