No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
