first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
