Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
