Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
