Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
