dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
