If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hippo gnu deer
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
