I'm drive I can fine osifer
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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