I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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