i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Shame is for Republicans.
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