I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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