i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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