You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
