Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
