why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize