As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
