Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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