Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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