census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
