so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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