So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
