Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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