someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she peed on how many people?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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