do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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