Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
