my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize