As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
