I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
