So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
