I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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