My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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