Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
