I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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