I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize