Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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