I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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