I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
