I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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