Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
