Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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