There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
