If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
