I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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