You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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