He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
