Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just sucked dick on a ferry
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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