oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
