Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
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