Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
