Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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