My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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