dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
