my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
