I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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