Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
