you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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